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2012 Oscars: Is That Blood or Red on the Carpet?

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Posted by: Lawrence Napoli, Staff Writer
created 02/27/2012 - 8:33am, updated 10/01/2012 - 2:54pm

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Do we really need to break down the red carpet intro’s?

You bet!

 

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Rooney Mara – Wow.  She needs to fire her hair dresser and makeup person because when you looked 10 times hotter in every scene of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake than you did on Oscar night, something is terribly, terribly wrong!  She worked the dress because she’s got a great butt

Octavia Spencer – She had a simple dress that was pretty enough for a woman not sporting the typical Hollywood-actress-anorexic body type.  What else can I say?  She’s no Halle Berry and speaking of which. . .

Jonah Hill – Someone has to bring their mom to Oscar night and it’s fitting it would be him because (insert random babe here) is really interested in Jonah for his personality and not, I repeat NOT, for his money.

Milla Jovovich – This is her first time at the Oscars.  What!?  Well, she made the most out of it with a sexy and elegant, yet simple dress.  She looked really good, but then she looks really good with zombies draped all over her in every Resident Evil film regardless of how crappy they all, in fact, were.

Christopher Plummer – It is kind of difficult for men to not look good in tuxedos, but my man Chris looked like he was going to break in half as he walked the red line.  Was that a purple velvet  suit or will he be appearing in The Dark Knight Rises as the Joker after Batman travels to Gotham 2099 to see how well he aged.

Emma Stone – I couldn’t tell if she was wearing a human sized bow that was used to gift wrap a new car for a boyfriend/girlfriend or if she just cut out some arm holes from the carpet in her apartment.  Not a normal dress, but then she’s not normal Hollywood.

Viola Davis – Rocking a very green (and very atypical) dress from Vera Wang, Viola shows off the demeanor of a true leading woman in Hollywood land.  She could have easily pulled off a riskier/sexier dress, but I respect her choice here.

Michelle Williams – Ho hum here.  She was mildly attractive . . . on the first season of Dawson’s Creek.

Melissa McCarthy – Two thoughts probably entered everyone’s mind: 1) I’d much rather be looking at Jenny and 2) Waiting for a Nancy Grace inappropriate fart moment. 

Kristen Wiig & no name co-writer of Bridesmaids – Plain Janes taking each other to the Oscars were very quaint and makes me think of one thing: if a shabby comedy like Epic Movie or Scary Movie X made a sh*t load of money it shouldn’t have, the cast of those films would be parading around that year at the Academy Awards.

Tina Fey – She shows off perhaps a little more skin than she ought to have and proves that she should never go out in public without her sexy black rimmed glasses.  Throw the contacts away Tina Fey!

Colin Firth – Yeah, I guess he has to be here to present for best actress.  Do British actors not named Patrick Stewart need to be introduced to the invention of “the comb” or “the brush?”

J-Lo – Anyone else annoyed by her talking about how she grew up in the Bronx?  She’s as far removed from that person as this planet is from Pluto.  Why is she even here tonight?  Did the Academy create a category just for American Idol this year?

Nick Nolte – LMFAO!  I couldn’t tell if he was drunk or high but he clearly had no idea where he was, in desperate need of someone to escort him to his hover-round and seems to have replaced Jack Nicholson as the completely f*cked up old man of the evening.

Zach Galifianakis  - Although he wasn’t technically on the red carpet, his preshow appearance is further evidence of comics who were formerly fat slobs becoming much trimmer thanks to (insert amazing Hollywood fat reduction plan [surgery] here).  I miss fat Drew.

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Penelope Cruz – Loved the dress, liked the hair, annoyed by the accent and hated the nose.

Cameron Diaz – Perhaps Oscar night was also “reunite the cast of Vanilla Sky” night?  I loved how the camera panned up her dress from the bottom up to her torso and then up to her face and then I cringed because the only way to make her clown face look normal is if a cream pie got thrown into it.

Jason Siegel - First time at the Oscars and it shows, but I don’t know why they are here.  Oh, I guess they wrote that Muppet movie, but don’t expect him and his co-writer to make off like bandits the way former Hollywood frat boys Matt Damon and Ben Afleck did for Good Will Hunting.

Bradley Cooper – Channeling his inner Tom Selleck, look-wise.  Has a masterful Christopher Walken impersonation.  The voice is spot on!  I wonder how many actors/impersonators do their Chris Walken for the actual Chris Walken.

Gweneth Paltrow – Making the future safe and respectable for the extremely skinny everywhere.  She still looks pretty damn hot and should never, ever consider changing her hair color from blonde.  Her dress kind of looked like a bed sheet, but it worked for me.

Glenn Close – I guess she didn’t get the memo that Oscar night was formal wear, not business formal, as in the business blazers her father probably wore at the office.  Pure train wreck.

George Clooney – Stacy Kiebler looked friggin’ amazing!  And she also towers over the diminuitive old man/Peter Pan who’s starting to show much more of the former in his face than the latter.

Brad Pitt – Sans Angelina Jolie?!?!?  It looks like he’s interested in taking script ideas for the sequel to Legends of the Fall.

Sandra Bullock – Another actress not going for a proper dress on Oscar night which is curious because she still has the body to show off a “sexy times” dress.

Angelina Jolie – Hot looking black dress, but the brown hair!  GAG!  Black or blond sweetheart, but not in between.

Natalie Portman – Good God she looked amazing in that classy red dress.  She was tiny and cute and surprisingly busty, but I give all the credit to a solid water bra. 

Tom Hanks – Needs to lose that white goatee ASAP!

Chris Rock – Not too late to shoot Billy Crystal and take over?  Who’s running the show for ABC’s coverage of the Academy Awards and why did he/she choose Chris Rock as the last celeb to give commentary before the show begins?  So he’s sporting a little spikier, robust ”˜fro one would expect on a younger man and that’s all I can say about this random infusion of irrelevance.  All I want to know is when does Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan show up?

 
 

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